From Angels and Demons...

Love this movie, and love this passage. It's lengthy, and weighty, but please read it and let it challenge you.

Camerlengo Carlo Ventresca: To the Illuminati, and to those of science, let me say this. You have won the war.

The wheels have been in motion for a long time. Your victory has been inevitable. Never before has it been as obvious as it is at this moment. Science is the new god.

Medicine, electronic communications, space travel, genetic manipulation… these are the miracles about which we now tell our children. These are the miracles we herald as proof that science will bring us the answers. The ancient stories of immaculate conceptions, burning bushes, and parting seas are no longer relevant. God has become obsolete. Science has won the battle. We concede.

But science’s victory has cost every one of us. And it has cost us deeply.

Science may have alleviated the miseries of disease and drudgery and provided an array of gadgetry for our entertainment and convenience, but is has left us in a world with out wonder. Our sunsets have been reduced to wavelengths and frequencies. The complexities of the universe have been shredded into mathematical equations. Even our self-worth as human beings has been destroyed. Science proclaims that Planet Earth and its inhabitants are a meaningless speck in the grand scheme. A cosmic accident. Even the technology that promises to unite us, divides us. Each of us is now electronically connected to the globe, and yet we feel utterly alone. We are bombarded with violence, division, fracture, and betrayal. Skepticism has become a virtue. Cynicism and demand for proof has become enlightened thought. Is it any wonder that humans now feel more depressed and defeated than they have at any point in human history? Does science hold anything sacred? Science looks for answers by probing our unborn fetuses. Science even presumes to rearrange our own DNA. It shatters God’s world into smaller and smaller pieces in quest of meaning… and all it finds is more questions.

The ancient war between science and religion as over. You have won. But you have not won fairly. You have not won by providing answers. You have won by so radically reorienting our society that the truths we once saw as signposts now seem inapplicable. Religion cannot keep up. Scientific growth is exponential. It feeds on itself like a virus. Every new breakthrough opens doors for new breakthroughs. Mankind took thousands of years to progress from the wheel to the car. Yet only decades from the car into space. Now we measure scientific progress in weeks. We are spinning out of control. The rift between us grows deeper and deeper, and as religion is left behind, people find themselves in a spiritual void. We cry out for meaning. And believe me, we do cry out. WE see UFOs, engage in channeling, spirit contact, out-of-body experiences, mindquests — all these eccentric ideas have a scientific veneer, but they are unashamedly irrational. They are the desperate cry of the modern soul, lonely and tormented, crippled by its own enlightenment and its inability to accept meaning in anything removed from technology.

Science, you say, will save us. Science, I say, has destroyed us. Since the days of Galileo, the church has tried to slow the relentless march of science, sometimes with misguided means, but always with benevolent intention. Even so, the temptations are too great for man to resist. I warn you, look around yourselves. The promises of science have not been kept. Promises of efficiency and simplicity have bred nothing but pollution and chaos. We are a fractured and frantic species… moving down a path of destruction.

Who is this God science? Who is the God who offers his people power but no moral framework to tell you how to use that power? What kind of God gives a child fire but does not warn the child of its dangers? The language of science comes with no signposts about good and bad. Science textbooks tell us how to create a nuclear reaction, and yet they contain no chapter asking us if it is a good or a bad idea.

To science, I say this. The church is tired. We are exhausted from trying to be your sign posts. Our resources are drying up from our campaign to be the voice of balance as you plow blindly on in your quest for smaller chips and larger profits. We ask not why you will not govern yourselves, but how can you? Your world moves so fast that if you stop even for an instant to consider the implications of your actions, someone more efficient will whip past you in a blur. So you move on. You proliferate weapons of mass destruction, but it is the Pope who travels the world beseeching leaders to use restraint. You clone living creatures, but it is the church reminding us to consider the moral implications of our actions. You encourage people to interact on phones, video screens, and computers, but it is the church who opens its doors and reminds us to commune in person as we were meant to do. You even murder unborn babies in the name of research that will save lives. Again, it is the church who points the fallacy of that reasoning.

And all the while, you proclaim the church is ignorant. But who is more ignorant? The man who cannot define lightning, or the man who does not respect its awesome power? This church is reaching out to you. Reaching out to everyone. And yet the more we reach, the more you push us away. Show me proof there is a God, you say. I say use your telescopes to look to the heavens, and tell me how there could not be a God! You ask what does God look like. I say, where does that question come from? The answers are one and the same. Do you not see God in you science? How can you miss Him! You proclaim that even the slightest change in the force of gravity or the weight of an atom would have rendered our universe a lifeless mist rather than our magnificent sea of heavenly bodies, and yet you fail to see God’s hand in this? Is it really so much easier to believe that we simply chose the right card from a deck of billions? Have we become so spiritually bankrupt that we would rather believe in mathematical impossibility than in a power greater than us?

Whether or not you believe in God, you must believe this. When we as a species abandon our trust in the power greater than us, we abandon our sense of accountability. Faith… all faiths… are admonitions that there is something we cannot understand, something to which we are accountable… With faith we are accountable to each other, to ourselves, and to a higher truth. Religion is flawed, but only because man is flawed. If the outside world could see this church as I do… looking beyond the ritual of these walls… they would see a modern miracle… a brotherhood of imperfect, simple souls wanting only to be a voice of compassion in a world spinning out of control.

Are we obsolete? Are these men dinosaurs? Am I? Does the world really need a voice for the poor, the weak, the oppressed, the unborn child? Do we really need souls like these who, though imperfect, spend their lives imploring each of us to read the signposts of morality and not lose our way?

Tonight we are perched on a precipice. None of us can afford to be apathetic. Whether you see this evil as Satan, corruption, or immorality, the dark force is alive and growing every day. Do not ignore it. The force, though mighty, is not invincible. Goodness can prevail. Listen to your hearts. Listen to God. Together we can step back from this abyss.

Pray with me.

Fleeting...

This might be a long post, you've been warned...


I'm having one of those "so incredibly aware of my mortality that I'm sick to my stomach" days.

A friend, who's family has been going through a medical crisis with her sister recently wrote a long post one day about what she's learned this far to be important in life. It was one of those posts that you really love reading but that leaves you with this strange unsettling feeling in your stomach afterwards. The crazy awareness that we really don't have much time here and when we're done here, we'll never be human on earth again.

I can't sit with that thought for long because I literally get woozy and feel like I'm going to yak up the contents of my leftover fajitas I had for breakfast. (Little known fact, I'm not a huge sweets for breakfast person. I'm actually a really weird foods for breakfast person. I think my Grandma bred this is me when she used to let me have leftover spaghetti for breakfast. I now crave things like pizza, spaghetti, grilled cheese, and cheeseburgers in the A.M)

Movies that have quotes like this don't help one bit:

Lorna: I mean, we all have our Prince Charming. You just gotta know him when you see him.
Jamie: Mom, it's Prince Charming! You should just know.
Lorna: Well, you're Prince Charming isn't coming to rescue you in a horse and carriage. That's not who you want. I mean, you're looking...you're looking for a man to be your partner. You could take on the world with. You gotta be your fairy-tale baby.

[to Dylan, referring to the long lost love of his life]
Mr. Harper: You know, my friends used to say, that when Dee Dee and I looked at each other, it was electric. And I...I let her go. I just let her go. Because I was too damn proud to tell her how I really felt about her. I'll tell you something, that I wish I knew when I was your age. And I know you've heard it a million times life is short. But let me tell you something. What this...this...
[referring to his Alzheimer's and pointing to his head]
Mr. Harper: ...is teaching me, is that life is God damn short and you can't waste a minute of it!

(from Friends with Benefits)
It's weird how these movies that you think will be totally superficial and just good for a laugh, ending up making you have some heavy-hitting feelings at the end,

And friends who get all cheated on and smashed up by their BUTTFACE boyfriends make you selfishly realize what kind of loving man you have (or want) in your life.

This is a weirdo, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders kind of day. I can't get these yucky mortality feelings out of my head. I've compiled a few pictures/quotes that keep these thoughts in me to wrestle with, but that help put some sort of framework on them:

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes don't see as well and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. "But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand" The Velveteen Rabbit

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.” -Elizabeth Gilbert

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. ” -Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 

“Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.” -Eric Roth
(actually pretty much the whole Benjamin Button book/movie gives you these feelings...)

 

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.” 

-Elizabeth Gilbert

Kind of heavy for a Tuesday, I'm aware. But it was one of those, "this is bugging me I gotta talk or write about it soon before I faint 'cause I just can't take it any more" things...

Love/Hate Monday

Week Two!!!

Love/Hate:

Spinach Artichoke dip. LOVE that it's creamy gooey, warm, and yummy-licious. HATE its fattening, artery clogging, waist-increasing capabilities.

HATE this friggin' week of classes. I don't have any motivation to start working on all of the crap due next week but I LOVE that I can basically just show up, do my crossword the whole time and not pay attention...oh wait, haven't I been doing that all semester...?

LOVE and HATE that I already know this is going to be what teaching is like. Just being an intern, I'm already catching a drift of this. Those kids can make and break my day in a split second. I know student teaching is going to be a blast but so stressful at the same time.

Just Plain Hate

We spent an entire day talking about a bunch of legal issues that teachers have to be prepared to deal with. Then our professor showed us this site: Bad Bad Teacher. WARNING: (If you read too much, be prepared to feel all nasty and yucky inside) At first I was simply shocked and kind of laughed off at the ridiculousness of this site. It documents and follows all the educators across the nation who have been accused of sexual misconduct. When I actually went home and looked at the site myself I could only look so long before I got sick to my stomach. 

 Winter. Cold blustery stupid winds. Still happening, now getting worse. Still hating, not going to stop hating anytime soon...

Just Plain Love

Watty's new favorite napping spot :)

I'm starting over watching Grey's Anatomy from season one. This is perfect timing, as I'll be at home (Dad's and Mom's) sittin' on my butt cooped up in the cold with nothing to do for 3 weeks (Oh besides that whole Christmas and New Years thing. Whatev)I'm going to have all break to fall in love with my favorite show for like the millionth (trillionth) time.

Oh and a fave line from that show:

Burke is in the bathroom and Christina and Meredith rush in to ask him something...

Burke: Now this is the men's room, so either whip one out, or get moving.

Happy Penultimate Week of the Semester!!

Currently...

Loving me some Cher, Celine and Christina. Cue bed occupation and wine drinking from coffee mug...

Sporting some knee-high boots and feelin' like a badass.

Wanting to watch Elf, cuddle up with my hunk and drink some vino.

TGIFF: Thanking God it's Friggin' Friday.

Feelin' this...

In utter disbelief that I'm nearly done with my on-campus career...

Pissed that Grey's (and most wonderful television shows for that matter) don't come out with any new episodes during the holidays. Haven't the networks figured out yet that by this time of the year all anyone wants to do is sit on their damn couch and watch their fave shows. Geez...

BUSTING UP watching these people make out. Turn it up, then enjoy the most epic tonsil hockey (or mama bird feeding baby bird) session ever.

 

Trying to brainstorm what clever thing-a-ma-jig I'm going to put on the top of my cap when I graduate. I was thinking "to be" in rhinestones. Then I realized most people probably wouldn't get it. Let me know if you do. (It may help to know what my future profession is going to be)

Cannot stop laughing at this website. I literally read them over and over again last night. The one about "oriental lasanya" is by far my favorite.

http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/

Resisting the urge to procreate that these picture have ignited in me:

I think I'll have four of these...maybe six...no?

Be still my womb...

Happy Friday All!

Brain Overload

HOLY MOLY. Yesterday was just one of those days... My brain, feet, body and whatever else just ached and I was so ready to climb in bed that when I finally did, all I could do was lay there. My mind wouldn't stop whizzing and my joints were just screaming at me.

I taught my first 70 minute lesson yesterday with 5 minutes notice. It was over theme and mood. A great lesson, the kids were kind of a pain but overall it went well.

My dog loves chicken salad. I do not. This is very convenient when I forgot I didn't like chicken salad, made a whole bowl then spat out the first bite. Watty's had a full tummy this week.

I'm dreaming about Freschetta Four Cheese pizza right now...and this recipe

Garlic Bread Soup. Shut UP

On the upside, I've lsot an inch off my waist! All this work is finally starting to show just a tad bit. Unfortunately when I get stressed I LOVE me some Hot Tamales and a big fat Coke, but then I have to hit the gym and cry a little to work it off.

I keep having the strangest dreams. I think a serious case of senioritis combined with a side of fried brain is causing my synapses to fire in the strangest sequences at night. The most recent ones have been watching one of my fifth graders drive a car around Emporia and a mass murder at a rodeo... I'm seriously losing it...

I need a vacation that involves lots of margaritas, chips and salsa and some sunshine. Seriously though, the only thing I can think about at the moment is how big of a margarita I'm gonna down on May 12th after I toss that cap as far in the air as the sucker will go. Bring it.

Oh, and I want to be this lady...

Love/Hate Monday

Because Monday's and I have a general love/hate relationship (as in they love to creep up on me and I just plain hate them) I've decided to try an ongoing series where I talk about all the things I'm loving/hating at the moment on Monday's.

Love/Hate

Did this bad boy (1000 rep) for my workout today. HATE the burn, the aching, the calves and legs trembling for me to just give up. LOVE that sweaty exhausted, I DID THE DAMN THING feeling when I'm laying on the floor exhausted when I'm done.

Lou and I did a run in the cold last night. It was probably around 40 degrees. Anyone who knows me knows I HATE the cold. But the upside was, it felt easier to run for some reason. My knees were killing me, too stiff from the cold, but we did 3.3 miles and it was a breeze compared to staring at the window while on the treadmill. The best part was, he was wearing a black hoodie and ran with his hood up. He ran just a few feet behind me so to passersby it probably looked like this little tiny girl was about to get mugged by this big ol' brute. LOVED seeing that shadow in the streetlights.

Not my hand

Sinful Colors nail polish. LOVE all the yummy neon colors, LOVE that it dries in a jiffy, LOVE that it's like 2 buckaroos a Walgreen's. HATE that it has a nasty matte finish that requires a lot of topcoat.

Just Plain Hate

The fact that I'm moving in about 2 weeks. Yes I'll still get to stay with the 'rents over the Christmas holiday. But I am officially going to be 1.5 hours from Lou, and 3 hours from any family...I'm kinda freakin' out. Student teaching alone is freaking me out, let alone that I'm GRADUATING soon. I'm not ready for this dose of reality.

WINTER WINTER WINTER WINTER. COLD COLD COLD COLD. NASTY YUCKY GROSS GO AWAY. AND STAY AWAY. I think maybe a move to Arizona is in line...

Just Plain Love 

At the moment I'm loving my some old school Brian Adams. (You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you) Come on, you know you were singing it to yourself.

Papa cuddling with Elliot

Big Dome Bret gettin' her grub on

El and Watty bonding

Hibachi Buffet in Lawrence with a full sushi bar. UNREAL

That Poncho's still makes pork tenderloins bigger than Dad's head

My mini martini flight at Houlihan's

Kiddo's that crawl under the table  for a perfect photo-op

When you say "smile" this is the face Macaroni gives you :)

 

Wishes

I've discovered something so genius and so simple it almost hurt my brain...

Santa, pretty please? (sans hairy attached arm)

It's the new iPod nano on a WATCH. Like as in I could wear this wherever and whenever, in a house and with a mouse, in a box and with a fox. Okay you get the idea. But seriously. I WANT this bad boy. Especially for all of those embarrassing moments on the treadmill when my flailing arms swipe at my ear-bud cord and whack my iPod on the floor. Not my proudest moments.

Speaking of treadmill, I've been cheating on the couch with that bad bay a lot lately. By a LOT I mean about 6 miles this week, plus regular badass babe iron-pumping. I'll tell ya, there's nothing that makes a woman feel hotter than being the only female in the weight room just crankin' out those squats and bicep curls. No New Years resolution needed.

Know what else is stellar about working out and eating healthy? Strong long nails, healthy shiny hair, glowing skin WITHOUT pimples and NOT BEING TIRED ALL THE TIME. My energy and general happiness is through the roof right now! As Elle Woods would say...

So if you hear about any husband shootings over the holiday season. Wadn't me! Not that I have a hubs to shoot anyways but  I do have a hunky boyfran. I won't shoot him. Promise. Unless of course he takes the last scoop of creamed corn, sweet potatoes or slice of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving dinner. In that case, it's on.

So by, now most of you who know me know that I'm a frequent visitor (note:obsessive stalker) of Pinterest. The only downfall to this site, like Wikipedia, is that all the content is user generated. Therefor not always accurate or fact-checked etc. This caused a major depressive moment this morning when I discovered this:

CANNED HEAVEN?! WHAT?!

Only to type in a quick Google search for "Franzia cans" and quickly discover that this cheapster wino holy grail was simply a Photoshop creation and is not, in fact an actual product. Cue incessant sobbing. No, really.

Adventures in Cooking

Been flexing some serious culinary creativity lately...

This one took me back to the night that Chelsea and I ate at Pizza Express in London in the plaza of St. Paul's Cathedral. The cathedral was all lit up, we sipped wine, giggled and savored some awesome pizza and a humongo dessert.

Margherita Phyllo Dough pizza. 6 sheets of Phyllo dough, olive oil, pizza sauce, Italian seasonings, garlic, maters, spinach, fresh mozzarella = crispy yummy heaven

And Thursday we made Spaghetti Squash. Just poke several holes in a spaghetti squash, microwave for 15 minutes, pull out core and seeds and then full a fork through to make noodles. Delish and soooooo low in calories.

Pinching Pennies

I have to admit, I LOVE to shop. I'm a big believer in retail therapy. But lately I've noticed that when I come home with anything new, I'm overwhelmed at the amount of stuff I already have. This is getting particularly stressful because I have to pack up and move AGAIN in just a few weeks.

So I've been doing my best to use what I have lately, and get rid of what I don't need. I took a bag of old clothes and shoes that were in perfect condition but that I just didn't wear, and got 15 bucks from a local consignment store. I've been (painfully) passing up invitations to eat out from friends. (This one is a huge challenge for me, especially dollar margaritas and bottomless amazing salsa at La Hacienda)

But this whole process is forcing me to get creative, simplify, and think if I really need to order that pizza or can I slap some spaghetti sauce and cheese on some toast and toss it in the oven...

Food is probably the hardest, with shopping coming in a close second. But eating at home makes me also insanely concious about what I'm putting into my body, as opposed to heading to a restaurant and tossing all cares aside for that 1,110 calorie quesadilla burger. Note, I haven't had one of these in the two years since I found out how horrible they are. It's the single most unhealthy entree at Applebees...

And I haven't given up everything, I'm jsut trying to swap it. Ryan and I's date nights for cheap wings at Applebees used to consist of Boneless breaded wings that are about 150 cals a piece, plus an appetizer. We now opt for bone in, no breading, still not great for you but way better...

I'm trying I really am. And some days its tougher than others. But I'm clipping coupons, haven't eaten out in a week, and I'm constantly on the lookout for deals and steals. I figure the earlier I adopt these habits, the better off I'll be in the long run.

(I really really really wanna go get sushi across the street on my lunch break but I'm going to go home and have a turkey sandwich, mixed feelings...)

One of those Mom's

DISCLAIMER: If you are in any way disillusioned that I will never have a family or children of my own and this thought makes your stomach turn, stop reading now. If, however you want to dream with me for a few minutes, read on...

During mornings at work, when I stare at my computer screen for 4 hours, I find myself daydreaming about a lot of things. This mostly consists of a happily ever after, and all of the little minions that I want running around my house someday. Today's daydreams are this:

I want to be one of those moms who decorates for all the seasons and holidays. I want to create a magical home that transforms with the joy of each new celebration.

I want to be a wife and mom who cooks. I want to make a commitment to my future family to sit at the table and create the memories that will bind us together long after they're gone.

I will build forts with my kids. This is a non-negotiable. This was one of my favorite things to do as a kid and I still find so much magic in it. And I will let them sleep in it and tear it down later. A fort ain't a fort unless its a slumber-party fort.

I want to raise readers. My life was transformed by books. I've chosen my career path because of books. I understand, sympathize and empathize so much better because of books. Readers are thinkers and dreamers and doers. There is nothing that can replace the ability to be an imaginative human being.

I want to be a mom who doesn't care if the kids have a little too much ice-cream in their lives. I hate that some people deprive their kids of any kind of sugar for years. Half the fun of being a kid is eating too much crap, going on sugar highs then crashing big time. Sprinkles are not just for special occasions.

I want to be a mom with a tattoo. Yes, a tatted up mama.

I don't ever want to be a mom who frets over a ball thrown in the house. As long as no one's bleeding and nothing of serious value gets broken, I am a strong advocate for early practicing of those 50-yard spirals. And the bleeding is negotiable...

I may succumb to the whines someday but I'd really like to be a no-gaming household. Nothing was ever learned from an Xbox. I will force my kids to play outside, go exploring and get dirty. At the end of the day if they don't come home with grass stains, muddy faces and novel-length tales of all the conquering they did, I will consider my job unfinished.

 For the record, these days are yet to come, eons in the distant future (Dad that's for you). But frankly, I can't stinkin' wait :)

Conflict and a Naked Butt

 I have a problem with people who think conflict is bad. I'm not going to sit here and advocate that we all go be confrontational people, but in my experience, if our lives are free of conflict we are floating in a sea of mediocrity, refusing to pipe up about what we feel is right in terms of the universe.

I am kind of a force of nature. My blog title, the one that everyone fell in love with two years ago and I had to resurrect due to popular demand is a testament to that. It's a well known fact that I ain't the sweetest peppermint in the candy jar. But I make no apologies.

I have few regrets in my life, and I think my defining characteristic is also my favorite one about myself. I don't typically keep my mouth shut or push anything to the back of my mind that bothers me. I comment, usually loudly and publicly about just how it is that I think the universe isn't wielding justice at a particular moment. This has gotten me into trouble, it has made a lot of people intimidated of me (this I have recently discovered and was initially mortified.) But I'm okay with it.

I typically go with my gut, and quickly. I'm not easily swayed by others. I'm incredibly tolerant of beliefs, lifestyles etc, but I am absolutely intolerant of ignorance, laziness and disrespect. Hey, to each their own, but no one ever got anywhere by sitting on their ass, refusing to do any work and telling everyone else what was the right and wrong thing to do.

I recently went to the education career fair at Emporia State. I'm graduating in less than 6 months. Cue hyperventilation. I had never before interviewed for a professional job, and I interviewed for 9 that day. With little preparation and excessive perspiration, I barreled through it and was incredibly well-recieved.

I have my theory about this. You see, many other students there were better prepared, more seasoned at interviewing and knew exactly what their battle plan was for the day. But I am unwavering. I make decisions and I answer questions with decisiveness, unafraid of whether they will be well-received or not. I felt a great rapport with most of my prospective employers.

Conflict is good for us. It teaches us where our limits our, what we really believe, and how far we are willing to go for it. It teaches us to stand our grand and not be stomped over in the face of adversity. Without conflict, we cannot grow. In our personal and professional lives, we cannot overcome if we have not struggled.

I'm not a conflict-monger, but I am a fighter, and I have learned that you've got to find the people in your life that share your same vibrations. That through the nasty crap, you are on the same level. You're able to recognize at times that you're just being a straight up jerk. But when you have people in your life who know you and know how you operate, this isn't something that becomes a huge problem. You get through conflict by learning how you operate in times of it, then you recognize it and for God's sake, use it to your advantage.

This picture is completely irrelevant, but so necessary to share:

It's Hard to be Okay,

“There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love 

I'm on an Elizabeth Gilbert kick lately. I have yet to read Eat,Pray, Love, due to lack of extraneous funds, but I WANT IT SO BAD. In the meantime, I've been pouring over a lot of her quotations. One of my favorite things about this woman is her undeniable recognition of her own failings. In all of her quotes she is constantly talking about how hard it is to just be okay sometimes. But what makes her so inspirational to me is how she goes on to talk to herself about why she's not okay, what she's trying to do to fix it, and how she sometimes just really screws it up all alone.

This passage is one of my favorites at the moment. It's long, bear with me...

 “So tonight I reach for my journal again. This is the first time I’ve done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say that I don’t want to take the drugs anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I am terrified that I will never really pull my life together.
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing on the page:

I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Perhaps one of my most difficult struggles is not allowing my horrible days, my bad moods, my pains, to bleed over into the rest of my life. Hurting people hurt others. It's incredibly challenging to not take your anger, your frustration out on others. But what can we do? Its easier said than done, but perhaps, to take a page from Elizabeth's book, we should lend a hand of friendship to ourselves.

It can feel silly sometimes to think of ourselves as our own friend, but we have to be. Just as your relationships with others, family, lovers, friends, need lots of time and tending, so do our own relationships with ourselves. We must learn to recognize when we have pain and to address it so it doesn't take over our lives. Just as venting to a friend about a bad day can really help, talking to yourself, or journaling, can help us self-identify and deal with what is holding us back.

Loneliness is a plague. As Mother Teresa said, "the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." Some days it seems impossible to fill up our own love meters, but it begins within.  

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert 

It's a TGIF kind of day, so I'll leave you with a funny to help get through these last few hours 'till the weekend...

I'm BACK!

After an extensive hibernation from the blogging world, I've decided that The Sassy Lass must be resurrected to chronicle the tumultuous happenings of my life recently.

 A small update and then some fun stuff...

This summer I had the amazing opportunity to visit London with a small group of students from ESU. That trip has caused me to be bitten by the travel bug and I'm making preparations to possibly teach abroad after I graduate.

Overlooking the River Thames and The Houses of Parliament

Graduation is in MAY! It's hard to believe that I'm nearly done with my college career. Four years feels more like the blink of an eye. I will move to Mulvane, Kansas over winter break to prepare for student teaching. I will be student teaching at Maize High School. (fingers crossed, my application is only unofficially approved)

As for now, life is a whirlwind. I recently had an emergency appendectomy and have been struggling with some health issues and I'm FINALLY feeling healthy again. I've been able to get back to the gym and I'm sleeping much better.

I'm currently holding two jobs, one on campus and one as an after-school leader. My on-campus job has given me the oppurtunity to publish a couple of articles in the university's alumni research magazine.

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Life is, good. (crazy, tough, scary, but good)

I'm learning, with much patience, to really take one day at a time and to not get overwhelmed. Yes graduation and massive relocation is looming on the horizon. I'm taking step to prepare myself but I'm also trying to soak up every minute along the way.

With the loss of many young people I knew this summer and early fall, I have begun to take inventory in my life and decide what I REALLY want to do. At this moment, I want to see the world. This is going to be tough, and it's probably going to suck a lot, missing family and Ry and the friendsies in my life, but I'm not willing to live with the idea that I never took that leap and followed my dreams.

As my friends and family surrounding me, I would ask that you keep this huge decision of mine in your prayers. It's not one I'm taking lightly, but it is one that has been a long time coming. I feel like at this point in my life, this is where my journey is headed and I hope to have each and every one of you along for the ride.

A quote for today:
“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

BRING IT.

Millenium Bridge and St. Paul's Cathedral